


The Best Kind of Friend

by Wierdowithagun



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alchohol use, Gen, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 13:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1745870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wierdowithagun/pseuds/Wierdowithagun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random Day in the life of Hidan. Itachi had a bad night, and leans on his best psycho of a friend for support. Short little one shot, Moderate fluffyness (between friends). Rating is for Hidan and, surprisingly, Itachi's mouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Best Kind of Friend

8:00.

That couldn't be right. It was too early.

Hidan lifted his head and squinted at the clock, pushing back his sleep-induced unkempt bangs. It was more of an effort than it should have been, thanks to a terrible sleeping position and a numb right arm.

Nope, it definatley said 8:00.

He stared at it for a while longer, then sighed heavily and let his head plop back into the pillow, mumbling what was undoubtedly a long string of profanities into it. Why the hell was he up so early? He had an entire 2 more hours he could sleep in. And he NEVER abused an opportunity to sleep in. Sleep was a more addicting drug than... well, than drugs. At least to the violet-eyed albino it was.

And yet, here he was, wide awake, at 8:00 in the morning.

Fuck that though, he wasn't getting up, he not-so-quietly declared. He'd  _force_  himself back asleep if he had to. Immortals such as him has unlimited means, praise Jashin for that.

He reached out to his nightstand, head still buried, and yanked open the drawer. The unmistakable rattle of pill bottles broke the silence as he felt around for the right one. It wasn't exactly out-of-the-ordinary for the deathless man to swallow an entire bottle of whatever medication floated into his grasp. After all, as Jashin's most loyal disciple, the worst it would do is make him vomit the entire contents of his stomach while simultaneously expelling the same contents out the back, while he screamed like a madman at the high induced from not only the drugs, but the extreme pain coursing through his body from the overdose.

One could say... Hidan was pretty much a fucking psycho.

His pale hand finally wrapped around the one that matched the shape of his valium, when his cell rang.

He let it ring for a second, his arm going limp. Another round of muffled swearing exploded into the pillow. He verbally swore to mighty Lord Jashin that if it was Kakuzu calling to tell him to get his lazy white ass up and ready for work (which wasn't for another 3 hours mind you), he would singlehandedly rip every single one of his hearts out and eat them.

The music emitted from the cellular phone stopped for a moment, and restarted.

_'Come on baby..._ _Don't fear the reaper._ _Baby take my hand..._ _Don't fear the reaper._ _We'll be able to fly.._ _Don't fear the reaper._ _Baby I'm you're maaan!_ _Laa la laa la la...'_

That was the song dubbed 'his' by Itachi, his closest friend amongst the small amount of people he associated with. At first he'd thought it was stupid, he was far from a reaper, he didn't come to escort souls from their dead bodies to the afterlife, that was nonsense. He ripped souls from their body to satiate his Almighty's endless thirst for slaughter and chaos. The fact that he chose to use a weapon similar to the ones those idiotic mortals accompanied to their ridiculous ideals used to comfort them upon their time of death, was nothing but a coincidence. A scythe was simply an incredibly versatile tool of destruction.

However, over time the song had grown on him, and thus developed into his single ringtone. Kakuzu wouldn't let him buy more than one, not when Hidan needed a new phone almost every month for varying reasons.

Finally, Hidan wrenched his hand from the drawer and slammed it down by his chest, moving his other arm in the same manner to the same spot. He pushed himself up and turned so he was sitting upright, the whole while, raving about kicking Kakuzu's ass for calling him this early.

He grabbed the phone and yanked, ripping the charger from it, and looked at the screen.

Receiving call:

**Itachi**

He raised a silver brow, suddenly silent. It was Tuesday, wasn't it? He and Itachi didn't hang out until Thursdays or the weekends. Maybe the raven haired member of their social circle was... hmm. He couldn't think of an explanation, Itachi Uchiha was not one to do things without reason... aside from drink himself nearly to death more often than was healthy for a mere mortal. And rant relentlessly about his little brother.

He didn't really have time to contemplate it, however, seeing as in another 5 seconds the call would go to voicemail, which Hidan still hadn't set up. He stopped bothering with the voicemail after his Kakuzu replaced his 8th phone. It was an unnecessary annoyance, if something was important enough they'd figure out a way to contact him. Besides, no one ever talked to him except the few members of aforementioned social circle, and they knew him well enough to guess where he might be and what he might be doing should he ever not answer the phone. After all, all he really did was kill, get fucked up, cause trouble, and screw.

He flipped it open and listened for half a second. It was silence.

"Yeah?" He croaked.

"Hida... did I wake you?" Itachi's voice was as calm and quiet as ever.

This question wouldn't be strange coming from anyone else, but Itachi knew damn well that he didn't get up until 10, and that was at the earliest. "Surprisingly not. 'Sup?"

There was a moment of silence on the other end, as if the Uchiha were confused by this statement. "Can you do me a big favor?"

Hidan paused this time, there wasn't really anything in his best friend's voice to suggest that something was wrong, but this was just too irregular for Itachi. Something  _was_  wrong, it had to be for him to ask anything from Hidan. Itachi never asked for help, Even Kisame could only count on one hand the number of time Itachi had ever asked for assistance.

"Uh... I guess." Hidan shrugged, though he knew Itachi couldn't see it. It was just a stupid habit.

"Good, Come get me, I'm at Kisame's."

There was another pause, speaking of that shark bitch... "Kisame's. Is everything-"

"No." Itachi interrupted.

More hesitation.

"Well, uh, okay, be there in twenty."

"Thanks."

The line went dead.

Hidan stared at the phone until the automated voice began telling him how many minutes he had left for the month.. He slapped it shut and sighed.

* * *

 

In a matter of ten minutes he'd thrown on his pants from the day before and slicked back his hair. He vaguely considered putting on a shirt, but Kakuzu wasn't home, and 'Tachi didn't care about his clothing preferences. He did grab a jacket, slung it on and zipped it up just past his belly button, any more and he'd feel too constricted. Hidan often toyed with the idea of becoming a nudist, it wouldn't be too much of a transformation. The cops had been called on multiple,  _multiple_  occasions because of Hidan running around the neighborhood nude, high out of his mind. Kakuzu had taken to ripping off random limbs and burying them somewhere in the immense scape of unused land behind their house. The effort to retrieve his body parts usually kept Hidan sober for a few days.

But that was waay beside the point...

He hopped in his beat up little Ford Escort and hit the road, Kisame's was a whole 10 minute drive with the route he took. He preferred to drive along the back roads, down Canal Street, as opposed to the highway that ran through town. Traffic and slow speeds were not among the things Hidan enjoyed. In fact, Kakuzu strictly banned him from driving down populated streets, and with the threat of losing his car and being forced to  _not_  be lazy and walk everywhere, Hidan usually obeyed.

* * *

 

Itachi was waiting on the porch when he got there, just lighting up a cigarette. Before the car was even in park the Uchiha was already up and heading toward him. The door opened. Itachi, clad with a small tub full of clothes and other personal items, plopped into the seat, and the door slammed behind him.

Hidan stared while Itachi took a long drag of the cancer stick and held it in for longer than usual before letting a puff of smoke escape out the window. Then put it in reverse, backed out, and resumed back to his house via the same route he came.

"So how was your fucking morning Hida?"

Hidan opened his mouth to answer, and comment on the absence of the usual lack of emotion in his friends quivering voice, but Itachi continued on before he could say anything.

"Mine fucking sucked. I just got my ass ripped wide open by Kisame, and I have no fucking clue what I did." He took another violent drag.

"He's being an even bigger ass than normal. I think someone told him I'm cheating or some shit. But he won't actually tell me what he's so pissed about."

Again Hidan opened his mouth, only to be cut off.

"What the fuck is wrong with him. I swear to God I'm gonna kill him. For real this time. This is ridiculous. I'm so done with his bullsh-"

"Jashin."

"What?"

Hidan grinned, having finally got a word in. "You swear to _Jashin_."

"Oh, whatever." The weasel of a man rolled his eyes and waved Hidan's words away, turning away and glaring, Hidan assumed, out the window.

They both remained silent for a while as Itachi put out the cigarette and immediately lit up another. Hidan quickly snatched it out of his hand and brought it to his lips. Itachi would probably fight for it back unless you put your mouth on it right away.

"Thanks for offering Red-eyes." He said after taking a deep inhale. "And also, what the fuck happened? I mean, I got that he ripped your ass for no reason, but, he does that every day. _Seriously_." His words were slightly muffled by the cigarette pinned between his lips.

Itachi frowned at the stolen cigarette, but lit up another and took a drag, released, then took a deep breath, regaining his usual composure.

"I have no idea Hida. He texted me and basically said get your shit and get out. Called me a bunch of names, insulted my intelligence, threatened to knock me around."

"So... Like... The usual?"

"No. Just.. shut up. I'll let you read the texts when we get to your house. You have coffee ready?"

"Psh, no. I literally woke up like a minute before you called. I'll kick his ass though if you want."

"I'm pretty sure I just said shut up."

"Fuck you."

"No thanks."

* * *

 

After arriving at the house, and getting comfortable on the couch in the garage, (because Kuzu forbade smoking in the house) Itachi silently handed Hidan his phone. The messages between Hoshigaki and the older Uchiha were already displayed.

"Do you have any vodka?"

Hidan snorted and nodded his head toward the freezer. Alcohol was also restricted to the garage.

"Duh, you _always_ have alchohol..." Itachi mumbled as he stood up and went inside to retrieve a shot glass. He returned a few moments later, shot glass and bottle in hand, and sat back down beside the Jashinist.

The silence continued as Hidan scrolled through the messages, brows furrowing further and further as he progressed, then interrupted briefly by another incoming text from Kisame. "He's  _still_  fucking going. What a bitch, seriously."

Itachi nodded, downing a shot of the translucent alcohol, holding shut his eyes for a few moments, as if reveling in the burn it likely caused.

It was a weird moment to Hidan, Itachi never showed vulnerability. Actually, only the stupid blond and Tobi ever really did out of their entire group. Guys weren't exactly the touchy-feely type, homosexual or not... Even Konan was emotionally disabled, and she was the only female among them. And chilling here in the garage with the one he considered himself closest to next to Kuzu... It was kind of surreal. He watched Itachi expressionlessly down one shot after another with admiration. He hated to admit it, but when it came to alcohol, Itachi was more of a badass than Hidan. At least at drinking it... Handling the stuff was a whole other story.

Finally, Hidan set the phone down, letting his violet eyes linger on it. "That didn't answer  _any_  of my questions."

"I know!" Itachi said, another Marlboro in his mouth. "He's being completely irrational." He took a drag and released it. "Whatever. I don't even care. I'm sick of his nonsense."

"Meh, his shark hormones must be all fucked up or something. Tell him to suck his own cocks." Hidan said, before swiping the shot Itachi was about to drink and pouring it down his throat.

"Hidan, for the millionth time, he only has one penis."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"Shut up Hidan."

"Fuck you."

"No thanks."

* * *

 

They spent a good hour and a half consuming alcohol and chain-smoking. Chatting about this and that. Itachi grew less and less responsive as time passed. Hidan at first attributed it to the alcohol, but there was a flatness in his friends eyes that edged on the forlorn.

He grimaced, unable to hold back the anger due to the Vodka. That damn devil's drink. "'Tachi just fucking quit thinking about him, he treats you like shit. You guys aren't even together, he never hesitates to make that shit clear. Seriously. He's just using you as a fuck buddy. And you didn't do anything wrong anyway, you're like his little pet. No offense. You wouldn't do shit to hurt him. But he has no problem hurtin' you. Just drop his big blue ass."

Itachi remained silent, and Hidan sighed and put out his cigarette. He contemplated lighting up another, but he was actually having trouble breathing from all the smoke in the room. He would be hacking out his lungs for a week after this. Not that he wasn't an avid smoker, he just didn't usually light one right up after the other for hours on end.

"Hida.."

Itachi brought him out of his thoughts, and Hidan eyed him, his voice was weird, but his brain was currently swimming in vodka, so he couldn't figure out if he was sad or about to throw up.

"You need a trashcan bro?"

"No."

"I'll get one anyway, Kuzu will rip my balls off if you stain this carpet. Seriously."

"No, Hida. I just want to know something."

"Oh, well tell me if you need to hurl, you little girl. For real."

"Hidan... Why am I your best friend?"

 The slightly older man paused in his actions, twisting to give his friend a look somewhere between concerned and skeptical. "What?"

"Why am I your best friend?"

"What kind of fucking question is that?"

"Because, I love you. And I know you love me, and I want to know why."

"I don't love you. I don't even love Kakuzu. Love is for chicks."

"You know what I mean Hida. You're like a brother. Just tell me. You're a prick, but when I need someone, you're there. Why?"

Hidan stared at the Uchiha with one brow raised, and pushed himself off the couch. "Are you implying that I want your body or some shit? Cause I don't. Maybe I like men, but that's men. You're more like a chick."

He watched Itachi hold back his anger, but the glare eventually got to him. Hidan began pacing, here came the stupid emotional drunk talk. Lord, they  _were_  like a couple of girls.

"Ugh, why do you do this shit to me. I'm not good at this feelings bullshit, seriously."

Itachi continued stare/glaring.

"I don't fucking know. You're not as annoying as everyone else. Deidara's a stupid blond who mindlessly blows shit up and calls it art. Sasori is cool but he's always stoned, which is great sometimes cause he always hooks me up, but that shit gets boring after a while y'know? Konan and Pein are too far up each other's ass, and Tobi and Zetsu are retarded and creeper-ish. Kisame's a fuckwit of course, and Kakuzu is just a fuckin' money grubbing heathen with a nice ass and a big dick. You're the only person with a brain that doesn't sit there and judge me or insult my religion and way of life. You're just okay with everything, it's nice."

"I insult you all the time Hida."

"Yea but ... You know what I mean. I know you don't mean it. You're mean to me because that's how I am, you actually adapt to my personality instead of trying to impose your own. I'm tired of being looked down on for fucking being different. It's... it's exhausting you know? I like being who I am, but everyone else wants me to be more like them, fucking calm and rational and all that shit. It's BORING. A waste of life. I mean, I can't die anyway so why not fucking risk everything for a thrill? Right? Kakuzu, that dumb fuck, is stuck on his fucking treadmill quest for riches. Every day he does the same shit. I know he's miserable. I know everyone is. They're just pissed that I refuse to be miserable with them, seriously."

He stopped himself, realizing he was rambling on. He almost felt himself blush, almost. How embarrassing to actually fall into the drunken stupor he always criticized everyone else for being victim to.

"Hn. I think that's the most sense I've ever heard you make Hida."

Hidan clicked his tongue and continued pacing. Itachi remained silent. The silence dragged on until Hidan, brain drowning in alcohol, forgot completely about their previous conversation in place of singing along with his song that was suddenly playing from somewhere.

_'Seasons don't fear the reaper,_ _Nor the wind or the sun or the rain._ _Come on baby..'_

Oh shit. That was his ringtone. His phone was going off.

He struggled to pull it from his pocket and looked at the small screen.

Receiving call:

**Kuzu <3**

"Ohhh Fuck a duck." He muttered. He looked up at the clock, struggling to clear his vision long enough to tell which hand was the hour hand and which was the minute. Son of a bitch, he had to be at work in twenty minutes, and so did Itachi. He looked over at his raven haired friend, his eyes were drooping dangerously, the guy was about to pass out.

He has a millisecond of an inner war with himself whether or not to answer the phone. Kakuzu was going to rip him to shreds and use his shreds to fertilize the garden that they didn't have but would probably get just for the sole purpose of using Hidan to fertilize it.

Fuck. He had to answer. Had to.

He flipped it open, waited a second, and spoke.

"Yeello?"

"Hidan, are you up and ready?"

"Uh, yes'sir master sir."

"Don't fuck around Hidan, you need to go now, I won't have you being late again."

"You're mothers late, after I fucked her."

Silence.

"Aw I'm just kidding Kuzu, I'm getting ready to head-"

"Hidan. I swear... if you're drunk.."

"Your mother's drunk." Hidan slapped his hand over his mouth. Damn alcohol, making him say stupid shit.

"Right. You are. Fine, I'll call in for you. I can't afford to have you fired from the last place in the county that'll hire you. In the meantime, head by the mortuary and pick out your coffin."

"Tch, like you could pull it off old man. Seriously."

The line went dead.

He slapped the phone shut and turned to Itachi, who was also hanging up his own cell. "Kakuzu's gonna rip you apart and use you for fertilizer."

Hidan fought a laugh. "We don't have a garden dumbass."

"He'll get one just for the occasion."

"Pfft, he couldn't do shit to me. Anyway, did you just call work?"

"Yes. I'm sick if anyone asks. Food poisoning."

"Me too. With... whatever Kakuzu comes up with."

Itachi nodded, fighting himself to stay awake.

"You can pass out dude. It's cool, I'm fucking tired too, I was up early today for some fucking reason."

Itachi's smile was hidden behind his bangs.

"I'm going back to bed though, I have at least two hours I have a right to catch up on." Hidan turned and started toward the door.

"Hida."

The Jashinist turned around, brow raised. Maybe now he needed a trashcan?

"...Lets get married."

There was an awkward silence between them for a long time, before Itachi's snort broke it. They both laughed for what seemed like hours, Hidan actually ended up on his knees, clutching at his gut.

Finally, wiping his eyes, Hidan collected himself, flipped Itachi off, and went inside. He returned moments later with a trashcan and a blanket.

"You're such a good friend Hida."

"Shut up Itachi." He set the trashcan down beside Itachi's face, (he had fallen over and not gotten up during their fit of laughter) and tossed the blanket over him. Itachi grabbed his hand with a swiftness that no one should have at the level of intoxication he was at. He pulled Hidan uncomfortably close and squinted into his violet eyes.

"You really are. Thank you."

Itachi let go of his hand to awkwardly hug him, and Hidan fidgeted, not quite sure how this sort of thing worked. People made hugs look so easy, but he'd never really done anything like that. Even he and Kakuzu didn't cuddle, their relationship was based solely on sex. Maybe,  _maybe_  somewhere deep, deep,  _deep_  down they were fond of each other, they had to be for Kakuzu to continue putting up with Hidan's insanity, but they were never intimate. Hidan wasn't an intimate person.

Itachi finally let go, and Hidan stumbled backward, wringing his hands behind his back, out of Itachi's sight.

"You're such a girl, weasel."

Itachi had retreated underneath the blanket, and his voice came out muffled.

"Shut up you albino fuck."

"Fuck you."

"No thanks."

Hidan smiled, and went inside.

**Author's Note:**

> Applause for Hidan's fucking lovably psychotic nature!
> 
> Hn, Hidan kills and slaughters, and no one seems to notice, but he runs around naked and suddenly the cops are involved.Some people... tsk.
> 
> Based on a real situation bitches. That's why it's so random. I get my inspiration from LIFE! And thusly, this is dedicated to my dearest friend. You know who you are missy. :)
> 
> Thankies y'all for reading my first REAL Fanfic. You know I love feedback.
> 
> EDIT;   
> This was written almost 3 years ago. It's no longer my first fanfic, I'm just transferring all my work over from Fanfiction dot net. But, Comments are still welcome. :) Thanks for reading.


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